Today was our second doctor’s appointment for the baby. It is still a little surreal for me. I know I am a guy and it is OK to not feel the same level of attachment as Keiana does, but still part of me feels worried that I am not baby crazy.
I have always been a bit of a worrier and tend to keep things bottled up inside. So this visit was so important because it meant we got to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I have known so many people who have had miscarriages and I don’t know why I think those situations will happen to us because it is more likely everything will be just fine.
It has always been my motto to plan and prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Somewhere along the line I stopped focusing on hope. I have seen so much tragedy, so much pain that hoping for the best is often a luxury I don’t see a lot of people enjoy. I love my job, but meeting people on the worst day of their lives and talking them into sharing in a very public manner sometimes gets to me. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen some very postive things come out of people sharing their pain, but being there…face-to-face with the pain can wear you out.
With all the thoughts of what could go wrong rushing through my mind, I walked into the doctor’s office holding Keiana’s hand. I know she’s been nervous and only wanted to hear the baby’s heart, but all along I have been saying everything was OK and there was nothing to worry about. But there I was, on the edge of the chair, waiting. Waiting to hear sounds of a little life. At first there was nothing…my heart was racing. The nurse was telling us when the baby is this small it can be hard to find them. It only took a minute, but it felt like forever. It felt like my heart skipped a beat when finally….thump, thump, thump. The rapid beat of a baby’s heart.
It was there and, for now, everything is OK. I said a prayer right there in the doctor’s office. A prayer of thanks. A prayer of thanksgiving. A prayer of relief. Don’t tell Keiana, but I teared up a little. While I can not be as connected as mommy is to the life growing inside her, I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and joy. That is my child. That is our baby.
I am sure I am going through the same emotions as every other soon-to-be father, but it is all so overwhelming. Such an incredible experience. It is like nine months of going up the hill of the roller coaster of parenthood.
In other news…if anyone is reading this and wants to get us a baby gift, the baby told me today it would like a new bar-b-que grill. I know weird kid, but it is our first so we should probably get it what it wants.